


I only find myself when I lose control

by Luni_Ambrose



Category: All Elite Wrestling, Professional Wrestling
Genre: Being Lost, Chatting & Messaging, Depression, Drinking, F/M, Getting Help, Happy Ending, Online Friendship, Online Relationship, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-17
Updated: 2020-10-17
Packaged: 2021-03-09 00:27:53
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,376
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27055675
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Luni_Ambrose/pseuds/Luni_Ambrose
Summary: When Chuck feels like he has lost everything he finds himself in a very dark place. He is joined there by an equally lost woman and they keep dragging each other deeper into losing control.
Comments: 1
Kudos: 3





	I only find myself when I lose control

**Author's Note:**

> Tw: self-harm, depression, drinking to forget
> 
> If anything triggers you, please stop right now and leave
> 
> Consider yourself warned

For Chuck it felt like the world was slowly breaking apart. First the split up from his girlfriend during a god forsaken pandemic. It was messy and all over the place. 

  
_That was when he found comfort in the whiskey._

When he realized that his two best friends still had their girlfriends and time was limited he found himself slowly falling into the darkness of his own mind.

  
_That was when he found some comfort in anonymously chatting with other suffering people._

Being overlooked at work, despite working his ass off, gave Chuck another reason to drink himself into oblivion every night. 

  
_That was what lured him deeper into the darkness and the idea to find something better than drinking._

Getting to know her made his head spin. She was a few years younger than him but suffered just like him. The world was a cruel place.  
She was the one that told him about cutting through skin, watching the blood pour out of the cut just to feel something.  
Chuck felt this tingling in his stomach as he thought of doing it. But he still was too afraid. He asked her for a picture. Just to see what she did.

He swallowed hard when she uploaded a picture of a freshly cut arm, a piece of paper next to it with his username written down.   
_//Just for you//_ she wrote after she saw the green checkmark.  
_//Thanks, babe <3//_ Chuck felt weird but somehow he couldn’t take his eyes off of the picture.  
_//If you tell me your name I’m gonna write it next time.//_  
Chuck thought that she meant the paper next to her bleeding arm. _//Chuck.. so what’s your real name?//_  
_//Lynn. And I know now the questions are going to start, Chucky ;-) I live in philly on my own.. work some it shit from home. Nobody ever gets to see me.//_  
Chuck just sits there for a moment. She was living in the same city. It felt like butterflies had taken over his body. After nearly two months of chatting he saw the chance of meeting her. _//I’m from philly too. I’d love to meet up with you. Let you teach me how to *relax*.. ;)//_

He saw the green checkmark but no reply. Somehow the world came crashing down on Chuck. He threw his nearly empty whiskey bottle against the wall across the room just to jump up and collect some pieces of the broken glass.  
Without even thinking he pressed the glass against his forearm. Just a few shallow cuts at first but Chuck soon went into overdrive, cutting her name into his skin.   
A rush going through his body as he snapped at picture of it and sent it to Lynn.   
_//You mean a lot to me//_ he wrote before turning off his phone. With a deep breath he collected himself again and got up to clean the cuts. 

_That was the moment he knew he had fucked up. It was more than his wrist tapes could cover. And he would have to fly out just a couple hours later._

24 hours later he sat in his hotel room in Jacksonville. For the first time he turned on his phone. The day had been hard and draining. His best friends asking why his wrist was already taped and why the hell there were fresh cuts. He just shrugged and told him that he got too drunk and fell into a bottle of whiskey.   
Chuck wasn’t sure if his friends believed him but they stopped asking questions.

_//Chuck.. sorry, my phone died//_  
_//Hey Chuck.. are you okay?//_  
_//Please answer me, Chucky//_  
_//I miss you. And I want to meet you.. and your cuts look amazing to me//_  
_//Chucky.. please tell me that you’re okay. I’m so worried//_  
_//Chuck. I know this will sound weird. But I’m sure I know who you are. Please, text me//_  
_//I’m desperate, Chucky//_

He swallowed down the lump in his throat.   
_//I’m okay//_  
Just mere seconds later Lynn replied. _//Thank God you’re alive.//_  
Chuck scrolled up to see the messages she wrote again. She said she knew who he was. That kinda terrified Chuck. _//Why do you think you know who I am?//_

_//You sent a picture of your arm. And my favorite wrestler, coming from Philly, named Chuck, was wrestling tonight with visible fresh cuts. Clearly as day the first two letters of my name.//_

He was beginning to panic.

 _//Chucky, it’s okay. I’ll never tell anyone. I promise.//_  
Chuck felt his eyes water and he wasn’t even sure why. _//Promise me we’ll meet. Please. I feel so connected to you.//_  
_//We will. Again. We met a year ago.//_ Lynn wrote and attached a picture of him and a slightly blurred girl. But he could see cuts on her arms.

Just two days later they met in a small cafe in Philadelphia. Chuck was wearing a dark hoodie and shades. Lynn was already there, both of her arms wrapped in white bandages. She had dark circles under her eyes.  
„Lynn?“ Chuck asked when he was next to the table.  
„Chuck..“ a soft smile appeared on her lips. „Take a seat.“ 

After they both had ordered something to eat and drink they talked a little bit. But nothing deep due to the lack of privacy.  
„We can go to my apartment, if you want.“ Lynn offered and he agreed.

For Chuck it felt like a thrill ride. Being with her, helping her get the bandages off. He carefully touched the fresh cuts and halfway healed scars. 

  
It got blurry when she offered him fresh razorblades before taking some of her own to just open up her arm again.  
He just did the same. Cutting his wrists carefully before wanting to back off. But the rush was too big. „Can I.. take my pants off? I can cut my legs better than my arms…“  
She nodded and watched him get rid of his jeans. With just his shirt and black boxer briefs he sat down again next to her. „You look beautiful, Lynn.“ Chuck whispered as he picked his blade back up.  
„You too, Chucky.“ She said, her gray eyes clouded. 

  
„Can I kiss you?“ He asked after a few more cuts.  
Lynn nodded, placing her blade aside before turning towards him.

Somehow Chuck let himself get completely lost. He certainly wasn’t one for hooking up… but he enjoyed fucking her into oblivion while both were still slightly bleeding.

Chuck stayed the night, they even had a second round. Of both. Sex and cutting.

After that night she stopped writing him. 

Chuck accepted it, having the blades as new friends. He even skipped work the next week, calling in sick.

It was a rainy Friday when someone franticly knocked on his door. Slightly drunk he opened it and was looking at his two best friends.   
„We need to talk, now.“ Trent said, pushing himself into Chuck’s apartment. Orange followed silently.

„Undress.“ Orange said after the door was closed.   
„Why should I?“ Chuck said, his arms crossed in front of him.  
„We think you hurt yourself.“ Trent said, taking the few steps to wrap his arms around his best friend.  
„No.“ Chuck whispered.  
„Chucky boy. Please.“ Orange muttered, joining the hug. „We’re here to help.“

Chuck felt his eyes water. „I’m fine.“ 

„You’re not. Lynn wrote us. We didn’t believe her at first.. but… you’ve changed and she could tell things about you, that nobody else could know. She was afraid you both would lose yourself past saving. She's dealing with very dark thoughts for pulling you down.“ Trent said, breaking the hug. „Show us, please. We will be there for you, Chucky.“

Under tears Chuck stripped himself down. His legs completely covered in cuts and dried blood.   
Orange went into the bathroom, grabbing some wet washcloths and the first aid kid.  
Together with Trent he washed Chuck clean and bandaged him carefully.  
„You wanna go for a ride?“ Trent said and Chuck nodded, not knowing that his two best friends were about to take him to the mental hospital. 

But he was glad they did. And they also got Lynn to join him there. Both getting the therapy they needed. And getting the love they both needed.

**Author's Note:**

> I feel so f'd up for even writing this but that's my way to vent and especially prevent stuff from happening.


End file.
